If you had to write a list of all emotions that are considered “bad”, what would you put on that list? Would it be anger? Or fear? Maybe anxiety, or guilt? Don’t forget sadness, frustration, envy, regret, resentment, disappointment, shame, humiliation, laziness…
Phew, it’s already becoming a long list.
These emotions are not fun. They hurt, they destroy, and they often make you act in a way that isn’t aligned with who you are or who you want to be. I get it. But emotions of any kind are tricky, which means that learning to process and handle them better is tricky as well.
The reason is that you probably approach them the wrong way. To truly learn how to minimize the effect negative emotions have on your mindset and well-being, you need to change the way you view them. And it starts by accepting the following tenet:
There is no such thing as a negative emotion, only a negative response to an emotion. Any emotion can be used constructively or destructively.
Every emotion has a purpose
When feeling overwhelmed by an intense emotion, we often wish it wasn’t a part of our lives. We see it as vermin, something that serves no purpose, and only causes harm.
Is it, though?
All emotions, even the ones we perceive as negative, have a purpose. You might not like that purpose, or find it useful in all moments, but it is still there. The fear that’s stopping you from applying for a new job is the same fear stopping you from running into traffic because you saw your friend across the street.
To learn how to deal with your emotions, you must learn to embrace them.
How beneficial is to view any emotion as negative? After all, all of them are an inherent part of you. You don’t have conscious control over when to feel them, how intense they are, or how long they last. You can lower their intensity and frequency by adjusting your lifestyle and mindset, but you can never fully eliminate any emotion from yourself.
They are here to stay, whether you like them or not. Once you embrace them as part of you, rather than an enemy that needs to be defeated, you can achieve better balance in your life—and have a greater chance of using them to your advantage.
Negative emotions are only signals
Think of emotions as warning signs, something like notifications on your car’s dashboard. When a warning light appears, the car is telling you, “Hey, this part of me seems to have an issue. Better look into it.” Sometimes, you’ll check the issue right away and fix it; other times, you’ll ignore it for months until it becomes an annoyance.
The same goes for emotions: you don’t have to act on them right away. Even though it may feel like it in the moment, your emotions are not an objective truth. In fact, our emotions usually provide us with nothing but a really distorted version of reality, fueled by our own experiences, perceptions, assumptions, and attitudes.
In other words: just because the “warning” exists, it doesn’t mean it’s valid.
Even though my car’s dashboard clearly says I’m lacking washer fluid, I still have plenty in the tank. So the issue becomes “Why is this warning appearing?” instead of “Why is my washing fluid tank empty?” And when that dreaded “check engine” lamp pops up, it’s usually the sign that something critical is happening and that you can’t ignore it anymore.
The same way, if you start feeling overwhelmed by an emotion, ask yourself: “Why is this emotion appearing right now? What is it trying to tell me? What is behind the emotion?”
The more intense the emotion, the more you need to look into what’s behind it. If you feel a little anxious before your presentation (“washer fluid”), you don’t necessarily need to figure out the cause. You can accept it as part of you and live with it.
But, if you’re regularly exploding and screaming with rage that turns the whole world red (“check engine”), it’s time to sit down and take a good, hard look at yourself to figure out what is causing you to feel this way (and how you can react differently).
Handling negative emotions
All emotions, even uncomfortable ones, are just energy that needs to be channeled somewhere.
You can’t choose when that energy appears, but you can decide what to do with it when it does. If you don’t channel it in some positive, productive way, it’s naturally going to be used destructively, internally or externally.
Being flooded with fear while watching a horror movie or riding a rollercoaster makes sense; in fact, it’s the fear that makes the whole experience enjoyable. You can feel the same fear when gathering the courage to approach a cute girl, stand up for yourself at work, or finally come out to your parents.
The fear is a warning that something is scary—but does that mean it’s bad, or that you shouldn’t do it?
You can’t choose your emotions, but you can always choose your reactions.
This should be your goal: not to avoid these emotions, but to accept them as part of you, then decide how to channel the energy they give you into something positive.
Just keep in mind that, no matter how hard you try, you will react badly at times. Unless you’re a sociopath, you’ll probably feel regret or guilt for responding the way you did.
When that happens, forgive yourself.
You’re human, you make mistakes, and no matter how hard you try, you will make them again. The only thing you can do is to continually strive to be better than the last time by accepting your shortcomings and learning from them.
One of the most useful skills you can learn in life is figure out how to channel negative emotions into constructive behavior. By writing this article, I tried to channel my energy into something productive.
Now it’s your turn. Will you continue to fight your negative emotions, or see them for what they are: a natural part of you that can help you grow and become a better person?