Hey there, looking for some sweet ass motivation? Well, you’re in luck, because I got the most awesome, most unoriginal motivational content you’ve seen a hundred times before.
And what do you know? It happens to be exactly what you’re in the market for. So here is the ultimate 3-step program for shaping yourself into a winner you always knew you could be (despite never actually doing anything to become one).
Okay, a few paragraphs are enough for an obligatory intro, right? Of course it is, nobody reads this shit anyway. Let’s just dive straight into it so you can get yourself hyped up for about 20 minutes, then go back to procrastinating and reading generic self-help advice which tells you exactly what you want to hear. Ready? All right, let’s go.
Step 1: You’re awesome
Do you sometimes feel bad? Are people mean to you? Are you scared of taking chances and doing what truly makes you happy, so you often conform to other people’s opinions just to fit in? Aw shucks, that sounds sad.
Don’t be sad. Be happy instead. Happiness is what everyone should achieve in life, while avoiding stressful situations, uncomfortable emotions, and challenging obstacles. Despite what people who actually study the human mind and behavior say, these are not things that strengthen your mindset, develop quality habits, shape your personality, and make you a stronger individual. Some call these people scientists, some call them experts, but their real title is haters.
Important note: Criticism is something very, very bad. It’s not something you can learn from to improve yourself. It’s not significant if 90% of people hate what you’re doing. It’s not important if you could do things differently and achieve a better effect. Why?
Because you’re awesome. Everybody is awesome. If you’re alive, you’re awesome. You don’t become an awesome person by doing good deeds, advancing your skills and knowledge, putting in hard work, and developing yourself into a smart, capable, and interesting individual. Heck no!
If people hate talking to you and avoid social contact, don’t think something might be wrong with you. Maybe you talk too much? Maybe you’re too judgmental? Maybe you don’t have anything important to say? Forget these things. Remember, you’re awesome just for being you. You don’t have any bad traits. There are no flaws in your behavior. There is no room for improvement.
You’re perfect just the way you are.
Step 2: You’re gonna be successful
You have an idea for a project? Thinking of writing a book? Starting a business? YouTube channel? Blog? Go for it. I’m sure it’s a unique, never-been-done-before idea. And if you think it might suck, don’t. Your every idea is amazing because, as we’ve learned, you’re awesome and criticism is bad. If you could actually learn something from criticism, it would mean that it is not necessarily bad. And that’s just crazy.
Statistics say that 9/10 startups fail and that almost half of them fail because there was no market need for their product or service. In other words, nobody was interested in their shit in the first place. But those brave souls refused to listen to haters and kept going. The final outcome is not relevant.
Let’s pull up some statistics of our own. Spoiler alert – they are going to blow your mind:
- Walt Disney was fired because his boss felt he “lacked imagination and had no good ideas”
- Oprah Winfrey was publicly fired from her first television job for getting “too emotionally invested in her stories”
- Steven Spielberg was rejected by the School of Cinematic Arts multiple times
- Thomas Edison’s teachers told him he was “too stupid to learn anything”
- Jay-Z couldn’t get any record label to sign him
All these people later went on to become extremely successful and well-known in their respective fields. They didn’t listen to what others told them and they didn’t let the haters discourage them. They kept pushing until they achieved their dreams.
This, of course, doesn’t mean that they failed many, many, many times before succeeding. It doesn’t mean that they had hundreds of shit ideas before finding one that was actually good. It also doesn’t mean they are exceptionable people who spent endless hours, months, and years perfecting their craft, thinking of new ideas, learning and evolving from criticism (although we prefer the term hatorade) and making sacrifices for a better future.
The only thing that we can learn from these fun facts is that they were just normal, ordinary people – like you. If they could do it, why couldn’t you? If you want it hard enough, you’ll definitely be successful one day (regardless of how much work you actually put in).
Why? Because you’re awesome.
Step 3: Easy Solution
Now that we’ve gotten your blood pumping, thinking about the badass you’re going to become, making it rain in the clubs, living in a mansion, doing what you love, hanging out with celebrities, having a stable (?) personality and a winner’s mentality, let’s talk about how to actually get there.
The first step is kind of obvious – read articles like this every day. Otherwise, you won’t have the mental strength to achieve what you want. I mean, all those successful people’s vision and dedication are surely not enough to motivate them. Simply wanting it is not enough, you need people like us to tell you that you want it.
So here is a general outline of our life plan:
- Read motivational articles.
Now, people who are actually successful put in thousands of hours working and learning and failing and improving and failing and perfecting and failing and hustling. That’s all good for them, but let’s be honest – do you want us to tell you how to actually achieve something? That it takes years, hard work, sacrifice, and adapting new and foreign ideas?
Fuck no. We all know you’re not looking for actual change. That shit’s hard. You want the easy solutions, the quick methods, the “5 Steps to Gaining Respect” and “3 Ways to Become a Winner”, the “How to Get the Best Boyfriend” and “6 Best Places for Meeting DTF Chicks”.
As Dom Mazzetti so eloquently put it:
I don’t want someone to enrich my life, I want someone to reassure me that my shitty life is adequate.
And when it comes to haters who try to give you all the complicated, scientific-based information on how our minds work and how to make real change:
It’s the same reason I don’t read books, because books intimidate me and remind me how dumb I am. Why should I waste time getting smarter or making peace with my insecurities, when I can just level the playing field and watch Digimon reruns with my [mentally challenged] cousin? That sounds like a Saturday to me!
So don’t fret about the haters and experts. We’re here to hold you tight, tell you you’re awesome no matter what, and that whatever path you choose in life is great. As we’ve established in Step 1, you can do nothing wrong.
Life isn’t about learning from mistakes, it’s about disregarding the notion of a “mistake”. Because you’re awesome.
Step 4: Do Nothing
“What’s this? Step 4?” – an avid reader exclaims. – “But I thought you said it was a 3-step solution?”
Well, my avid motivation approval-seeking friend, if you’re able to read through all the shit advice we provide on a daily basis without vomiting, then you’ve proven you’ll gobble up basically anything we throw at you. So let’s call this the “Bonus Chapter”, which we included because we’re just nice like that.
Some writers actually take time to research and back up what they say…but who the hell has time for that? I can fart out another “Top 10 Reasons You’re Awesome” fluff piece in half an hour and you would still eat that shit up. You don’t care about the quality of the content you read, so why should we?
Have you seen our “motivational content” sites? We’ve got like 13 different sidebars with subscription boxes, social media links, advertisements, share buttons, and all the shit we’re trying to sell you. Since actual “content” makes up about 15% of any page, I’m surprised you’re even able to find it. It’s like playing “Where’s Waldo?” every time you open up a new post.
If you really did have a winner’s mentality, you’d be reading something with actual substance in it (like this or this or this). You would be working, learning, and improving yourself, not leaving bland comments like “OMG that is so true, I do need to respect myself (because, like, I didn’t know that before reading this)”.
But you still read our unoriginal posts, because we tell you what you want to hear. We tell you that everything about you is great, and if something happens to be a little off-balance, you can fix it in five easy steps. Because if you were actually interested in changing yourself in a meaningful way, you would be smart enough to see through our bullshit.
Because if you were actually awesome, you wouldn’t need us to tell you that.
Every Generic Self-Help Writer Ever
P.S. This article is satire, making fun of “motivational articles” that don’t offer any real value.
If you’re ready to put in the work, check out Destroy the Boundaries of Your Comfort Zone: it’s free ebook that teaches you a simple way to get started as soon as possible.